Work through deviations

Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with someone who continually avoided the topic you were trying to address? If so, fear not for you are far from alone. As a coach, I continually work with people on deep topics of personal growth that are of great value to the coachee. Even in this situation, there are many people who struggle to stay on topic. I always find this surprising considering that the subject they come to train for is themselves: what could be more important to them!

What is a deflection?

A detour is simply a way to avoid discussing what really matters in a conversation. People who divert conversation would often be considered rather jovial by outsiders. When you approach them with an issue, comment, or question, they might gladly respond with a silly, light-hearted joke related to what you’re presenting. Or they can smile at you and reply: what about the 49ers?

Whatever your answer, deviance is the art of cleverly and ‘seemingly’ harmlessly changing an issue from one of major importance to one of relatively minor importance. The result: questions often go unanswered, progress remains stunted, and a conversation never surfaces.

What happens when people stray?

While I have no formal education in the psychology behind why people stray, I can speak from my experience working with numerous people who ‘avoid’ certain topics like the plague. Often, deviation is a sign that what you are bringing up is important, unresolved, and a struggle for the person treating you. People who deviate are more comfortable internalizing these struggles than talking openly about them. For friends, family, and life coaches, this presents quite a challenge, since an important component of relationships, whether in social or professional circles, is open and truthful communication. How do you support a family member or coach a client who constantly diverts the conversation?

See deviations for what they are

When you’re in a conversation and you’re in the middle of ‘real life’ discussions, it’s pretty hard to notice a drift if you’re allowing the conversation to flow. It’s easy to get caught up in the conversation, especially when the deflector is cajoling the conversation with pleasant adages. Because of this, it’s very important to see the deviation for what it is rather than get caught up in the conversation. This is an act of awareness and requires practice. We often miss the detour and think later: why didn’t I say something! Remember: it takes practice, the person using the shunt has probably mastered the skill for years or even decades, so you shouldn’t expect to be able to avoid all shunts only after reading an article on the subject.

Once again, step 1, be aware of what is happening so you can take action.

deviations v. a wandering mind

Before I continue, I want to make a distinction between a person who diverts the conversation and a person who has a wandering mind. When you’re training, time is limited and time costs money. If you are outside of the coaching realm and are simply having a conversation with someone, you may not be constrained by time limits, so the wandering conversation may not be detrimental. However, for coaches, it is important to note deviations that lead off topic, as well as rambling discussions, as they create a lack of focus that prevents the client from progressing during the time you have together. Here are the main differences between the two:

• Detours are for the purpose of deliberately diverting the conversation from the topic.
• Deviations are used as a way to hide what is really important to someone.
• Deviations are a sign that you are touching something the person is uncomfortable with (and may be hiding what needs to be uncovered).
• Wanderers have lots of ideas and often lack focus.
• Travelers are happy to get back on topic, but really feel it’s important to share ancillary information.
• The bums are not avoiding conversation, but will talk at length about important and unimportant topics.

Again, be aware of these two tendencies, as either will take you off topic, however, the methods of dealing with people who stray are very different than dealing with people whose conversation wanders (fodder for a future article). from blog)

Strategies to overcome deviations

If you want to put an end to the seemingly endless stream of deviations that your partner, friend, coworker, or client seems to throw at you, you’re going to have to confront that person the next time it happens. This can be difficult, as I’ve found that most people prefer not to confront, even when the kind of confrontation I’m talking about is fairly benign and can be done compassionately. Let me provide some examples.

Deflection Tactic: Changing the Questions

Problem – In a conversation you ask a person a serious question (perhaps about his wishes for the future, goals, his vision), and he answers you by asking you a question. One of my favorites was a client who avoided questions by letting me know what a great coach he was and asking me who my manager was so he could congratulate me.

Strategy – Let them know that you would be happy to talk about it later. Right now you are interested in them. Ask the question again.

Diversion tactic: changing the subject

Problem – You are talking to a friend, co-worker, client, etc. and again you have some important questions to ask. You’ve been trying to get an answer on this topic for a while. When you ask, the response is a complete change of subject with a light-hearted tone. Again, one of my personal favorites was a client who veered off on the Minnesota Vikings no matter what the conversation we were having was related to.

Strategy – Confront them about what they are doing. What do you notice happens in our conversation every time I mention x, y, z? When asked a question that confronts them about the act of what they’re doing, it becomes very difficult to do more of the same (ie my friend upstairs would have a hard time asking me whether or not I watched the Vikings game after doing that question!)

Diversion Tactic – The Joker

Problem – Every time you bring up an important topic, ‘The Joker’ has a simple and light-hearted devious joke in response. They often have a smile and make others around them smile, so they are a little harder to deal with.

Strategy – Appeal to their kindness and refocus. One could say – that’s funny. I really appreciate your good nature and humor. Now, if you don’t mind, this topic is really important to discuss: talk to me about x, y, z.

Diversion Tactic – Apologies

Problem – You have tried to have a serious discussion with someone about a subject and every time you bring it up, instead of getting to the heart of the matter, the deflector makes excuses, tells you his life story and avoids what is important for you to discuss by saying that we’ll get to that later.

Strategy – Listen, acknowledge and ask again. The person who is avoiding a conversation by making a series of excuses is overwhelmed and their priorities are not the same as yours. Usually they’d be up for this conversation, but it’s hard for them to deal with what you’re talking about right now. They are letting you know indirectly that they need to be heard. They need support too, so maybe you can offer that support. Give them some space, let them vent, let them know you understand that things are hard. Once you’ve allowed them to clear their minds, they may be willing to discuss the topic you’re interested in discussing.