Writing a eulogy: the language of pain

The death of a man is more a matter of the survivors than of himself.

~ Thomas Mann, The Magic Mountain

Writing a eulogy can be even more overwhelming than an obituary; With it you not only express your own pain and do your best to distill, encapsulate and articulate an entire life, but you also help guide others through the loss you share.

Unlike obituaries, eulogies are meant to be read aloud, while a transcript of them is sometimes available later online or in a scrapbook. This is a challenge for many people; not all of us feel comfortable speaking in public. There is also a knack for writing something that is meant to be heard and read; sometimes things sound very different from how they look on the page. While the obituary may be just a few facts, an eulogy ideally has an arc, a trajectory, a beginning, a middle, and an end: who your loved one was and what life was like with him; what is it to lose them; what they left behind for you to take into the future.

First, sit down and make a list, either alone or with family members, of the defining characteristics of your loved one: strong, generous, devoted, insightful, talented, funny, empathetic, never sent you hungry, always chose the perfect gift, you taught the meaning of honesty.

Next, write a few words about which parts of you are most closely related to the deceased. What did you share Are you braver for having met the deceased? Softer? Did they guide you, guide you, save you, teach you, change you? Where in your life will you feel your loss most intensely?

Then think of some specific memories, stories that exemplify your loved one and the kind of life they lived.

Even if this person was not easy to define, you should start to see a bit of a central theme: a quality or a set of qualities that are really the core of who they were: a breeder, a teacher, a thinker, a breath of pure air, an example for all of us.

When you have all of that in front of you, it’s time to start writing.

Happiness is beneficial to the body, but it is pain that develops the powers of the mind.

~ Proust, The past recovered

The language of pain is harsh and beautiful, devastating and uplifting. With her we mourn those who have left us, and we also celebrate their life; through him we learn to better appreciate our short time here among those we love. These are the moments, and the words, that change us.

In reality, there is no set structure for a compliment these days. It is a totally free form art. Start with what you think will strike the right chord and then experiment with dynamics, with the rise and fall of emotion within your speech. You can start strong and then work back, for example, or start soft and build from there. The things you say can have a profound effect on your listeners: You can break the surface tension in their pain so that they can express it and seek the comfort of the other, then help them find moments of lightness in which the first tendrils of hope and healing it can begin to unfold and intertwine.

Try to keep your sentence structure simple and conversational. Many people use higher language to mark momentous events; You can do that too, but don’t get overwhelmed by a mouthful of words you don’t use very often. You want it to be comfortable to read and listen to. Some people write every word; others simply put up a list of talking points to stay on track and use a more casual, flow-of-consciousness style.

You’ll want to try to stay for less than five minutes unless you have a compelling reason to go longer. Time is strange and elastic when you are in front of a crowd; sometimes it runs out before you know it, but it can go on and on and be very difficult to fill, leaving you unfocused and uncomfortable. As you write, read it out loud often, in front of someone if you think that will help, or in front of a mirror if you want to keep it private, and try to estimate how long it will last. Rehearsing aloud will also help you hear words or phrases that you may have used too often and distinguish monotonous or singing vocal patterns. It is also useful to practice on video; You can take a step back and look at yourself from another perspective, which can help you see and hear all kinds of things that you didn’t grasp from the inside.

Just as a precaution, you may want to have someone else, preferably someone who is not so deeply emotionally invested, perhaps a family friend, ready to take over and finish reading if you are overwhelmed. You probably don’t need it, but your presence can be comforting.

Don’t feel like you can’t be lighthearted or even funny. It is important to change your mood and pace at all times. Be honest. If you are angry, if you feel cheated, say so. If you feel blessed, say so too. Take your listeners on a journey: acknowledge their pain, remind them to appreciate happier times, give them the strength to move on. Remember the things that brought you joy, the iconic and defining moments, what you will miss the most about your relationship with your lost loved one. Those who live in our hearts and memories can last forever in our words.

You can add quotes from literature and history if you wish; there are voices throughout the centuries that have perfectly described our feelings and distilled them into something lyrical and fine. They can add great elegance and depth to a monument.

What is it to stop breathing, but to release the breath from its restless tides, so that it rises and expands and seeks God without hindrance?

~ Kahlil Gibran, The profit

Now: many people face a problem that is difficult to discuss but very real and quite common. How do you praise someone with whom you had a painful and jarring relationship? What if you are in a position where you are forced to talk about them even though you feel like you have nothing nice to say?

There’s no way to help you get through a lifetime of baggage with someone in the time it takes to write your eulogy, but that simple act could be a great way to start. At the very least, there are a few things you can try to help you get through it.

First, although this experience can be incredibly painful and difficult for you, remember that the praise is not about you; it is about the dead and it is for the living, for all those who feel the pain of this death. You may not be able to forgive, but healing and great dignity can be found by paying the damage generously.

Try to look beyond the difficult things and see your good qualities. It could be something small; Maybe they had a great singing voice, or they made delicious spaghetti, or they kept their garage really well organized. Can you expose those aspects of them?

If not, try spinning directly. Think of it as a way to be nice to your listeners, to help them have a better time with this than you do. Instead of “liar”, perhaps this person was “full of imagination” or was a “great storyteller.” Not stingy but “frugal”; “stoic” instead of “emotionally unavailable”; not stubborn: ‘iron will’. There are often moments of black humor in the midst of pain; this exercise may be the source of some of them.

But maybe that’s not the way you want to go. Maybe you should be honest and straightforward: “Most of you know that Dad and I didn’t spend a lot of time together in recent years. It’s because we didn’t agree on a lot, and after a while I found out that we love each other better from a distance. “. It is very likely that there are others who are related. You don’t need to be brutal; you’ll feel better later if you’re not, and the truth is often painful enough even when handled gently.

If you have to say things that are difficult for others to hear, try to balance them with as much positivity as you can. Perhaps your painful relationship with your mother is what makes your connection with your sister so deep. Maybe the hardships you’ve been through are what make you you so deep; Maybe the pain you’ve suffered is what made you strong, taught you compassion. Shed light those truths too. If it weren’t for suffering, the human spirit would never know triumph.

End on a hopeful note if you can. The pain is dark and heavy, but there is also beauty in it. Life is precious because it is short. Death comes to all of us; the important thing is how we spend the time we have, what we leave in the hearts, minds and lives of others.

The great pain is a divine and terrible radiance that transfigures the wretched.

~ Victor Hugo, The Miserables

Praise help at a glance:

1. Who were they?

2. What was the most important thing about them?

3. What will you miss the most?

4. How did they change you?

5. What was their effect on the lives they touched?

6. What do you want the world to remember about them?

7. What did they leave behind?

8. What can we learn from your life?