the phases of friendship
“Be courteous to all, but intimate to a few, and let those few be well tested before you trust them. True friendship is a slow-growing plant, and it must suffer and withstand the blows of adversity before it has a right. to the denomination.”
–George Washington (first President of the United States)
There are two phases in a friendship or relationship. There is the phase of interest in which something about a person has reached its peak of interest. Then there is the bonding phase.
The phase of interest is typified by some commonalities. Things are light and fun. You delight in common experiences or share a common interest. It reminds you of the honeymoon phase of a marriage. You enjoy how you feel when you are with the other person. Whatever the warmth and fuzzy of it, this is the phase. “He understood me.” “She believes in my dream.”
The bonding phase is the most revealing phase. It is the revealer. In a sense, the person allows you to see who they really are. Differences, disappointments, and conflicts are the tools of the bonding phase. The man who understood you when you talked about someone else is now withdrawn and doesn’t want to talk when it comes to a problem you have with him. The woman who once believed in your dream now complains that she never sees you.
Although most would agree that the bonding phase is essential, it is the most difficult to navigate. Why is so difficult? Perhaps there is a part of us held back from childhood that prefers fantasy to reality, daydreaming to work, romance to love. Sure kids live to play, but have you ever seen kids together? Sure they giggle and giggle and play, but it’s all intermittent with bumps and bruises and disagreements. The same kid who limps into the house crying because his friend pushed him down, rushes out to resume the game once his boo-boo has been kissed and bandaged.
For me, college was where the real bonding happened. It wasn’t something any of us consciously did. We just shared our lives together for those four years. We shared food, challenges, disagreements, betrayals, but when it was all said and done, we still clung to each other. Maybe it was because we needed a family unit since we were all hundreds of miles from home. I don’t know. All I know is that I still have those friends to this day. My college roommate is still someone I can go months without talking to, then with a conversation the bond is renewed. And though there have been marriages, children, and a lifetime of experiences in between, there is that knowing, that trust, that safe place where my heart rests.
It takes time to bond. No matter how nostalgic you feel during the interest phase, one cannot overlook this. You may feel like you have found a special friend in moments of sharing common experiences and similar values. They could enjoy each other’s company and be, as Forest Gump says, “like carrots and peas.” Regardless, once the novelty wears off, there is a major disagreement and/or familiarity is established, it becomes more revealing whether your “friendship” will continue to be of interest or can maintain a true bond.
As life is testing your friendship, there are some gifts. IN clingy it is a concession for the simple fact of being human. The first time you and your friend have an intense disagreement, no one will feel good about each other. You must take that into consideration. Nobody likes to hear criticism or that someone has been offended. Even the most loving evolved or soul feels that oppression in the stomach when someone points out a fault.
However, all things considered, Maya Angelou says it’s better, “if a person tells you who they are, believe them.” If she tells you that she loves her work, believe her. If she tells you that he’s not interested in settling down, believe her. Now, in the interest phase, you listen but you don’t listen. You see but you don’t see. A person can tell you something about themselves and it goes in one ear and out the other. I have been hurt many times because I didn’t believe what someone told me or showed me about themselves.
So how do you know if your friendship is interest-based or has the potential for a deeper bond? Here is my list:
o This friendship motivates me to be the best I can be.
o My friend and I seek to resolve the conflict, not avoid the conflict.
o We are both equally involved in friendship.
o My friend has my back (seeks what’s best for me).
o Friendship promotes equality. He does not assume a role of parent, savior, or enabler.
o Despite the appearance of my faults, frailties and weaknesses, my friend still considers me valuable and worthy of respect and dignity.
o My friend and I can be vulnerable and not feel violated or devalued afterwards.
o I am welcome in the world of my friends.
As I mature, I realize that not all friendships are meant to be a deep and lasting bond. However, if you choose wisely and approach each relationship as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, you will find treasure in each phase.