5 steps to deal with the fear of conflict

Let’s be honest, you’re afraid of conflict, right? If you do, you’re like most people. In fact, very few people like the idea of ​​facing conflict. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to reduce the fear you may feel when facing a conflict situation.

1. Acknowledge your underlying fear and anxiety. Conflict evokes powerful emotions in the conflicting parties. These emotions must be recognized and managed if you want to handle the situation effectively. What about this conflict that makes you feel anxious and fearful? By acknowledging the emotions you are experiencing, you empower yourself to take control of the emotion and respond constructively.

2. Identify the threat. We all have hot buttons that make us fearful or angry when we push them. When someone says or does something to trigger our hot buttons, we react quickly and emotionally to protect ourselves, our identity, our values, and our beliefs. These threats can cause you to take aggressive action or to flee from the feared conflict. ask yourself, When my hot button was activated, why did I have such a strong emotional reaction? (for example, “I felt I was treated unfairly” or “I felt my reputation and credibility were improperly challenged” or “I believe my authority was being challenged”). Clearly identifying the threat(s) will help you gain control over your fear.

3. Check your assumptions. When someone hits our hot buttons, we often make false assumptions about their motivation. For example, we might attribute negative intent by assuming “they’re trying to get back at me” or “she doesn’t like me so she goes behind my back” or “he wants to look good in front of the boss so he does things to make me look good.” like an idiot”. Instead, take a step back and ask yourself: What are the other possibilities as to why this person acted the way they did? It could be that they sensed that their hot buttons were being pushed and therefore reacted destructively.

4. Take deep breaths. An important technique to control your emotions is to breathe deeply. When our brain detects that we are in danger, it goes into survival mode. Activity increases significantly in the emotional part of our brain causing the fight, flight or freeze reaction. These reactions are the result of strong, negative emotions that protect us from the threat we perceive in others. Breathing deeply slows down the emotional center of the brain and helps us switch to the rational part of our brain where we can make better decisions and respond constructively to the conflict we are facing.

5. Keep a journal. Keeping a journal will help you identify your emotional triggers and develop strategies to deal with them. Capture the following in your journal:

• What was the conflict situation and who were the key parties involved?
• What exactly did the person say or do to trigger your strong emotion (ie, said a certain phrase, raised an eyebrow, or waved you off)?
• What was the emotion(s) you felt (ie anger, frustration, guilt, sadness, fear)?
• What did you tell yourself about their motives (ie, they wanted to hurt me, it’s selfish, they don’t care, etc.)?